It’s like she’s got me seeing in colors. It’s been over a month and I can’t see straight. Dasha. She’s a vortex, a tie-dye swirl.
Purple: This isn’t love yet, it’s way too soon for that. From our first date on, we’ve spent almost every free moment together. I can’t get enough of her and her mind. Our “first date” lasted three straight days. I find myself smiling when we text and people know something is going on. I’m not telling anyone about it yet because I’m not sure exactly what this is and I don’t want to speak too soon and make it a reality. For now, I’m enjoying this dream world we co-inhabit.
Blue: Whenever we’re apart and whenever we say goodbye, I get sadder than I ever have before. I’m afraid it’s the last time I’ll see her. She fills me with dread. She fills me with fear. Because now that she’s a part of my daily routine, I have trouble imagining a time without her. A day without her sounds like a tragedy I’m not ready to read.
Green: She’s so driven and so smart. She impresses me and I want to show her off. It’s more than that, because she’s not just someone I want to show off. I want her all to myself, and when we go out, I don’t want anyone to know about all her skills and talents because I like knowing that they don’t know what they’re missing. She is going to be so successful. The way she’s been studying (and helping me) for the LSAT is inspiring. I know there will be a time where the world knows about her, but until then, I want her all to myself.
Red: I never thought I was a jealous person. Ends up that I am. She brings it out of me like a raging fire I never knew existed within. Is it because of how things ended years ago? Is she making me pay for the way I treated her? For never reaching out? She is a head-trip; my frontal lobed turned to a melting plastic spoon. There are other guys she talks to, and I know that she’s allowed to. We’re not together, but it sure as fuck feels like we are. Even when she’s not interested in them, she entertains them. She entertains them trying on her. It’s not because she’s a nice person, she is actively not….not the nicest person, so that’s not the reason why. I want to jump ahead and say that it has to do with her upbringing and her background, but it’s not fair to put every action she does under the category of “adopted child problems.” So what is it? Why does she do this? And why does she continue to talk to her ex? Why does she talk to me about her ex? Sometimes I think she is fucking with me, testing my limits and my patience. Is this something I really want to get into? Is this something I am going to look back on and shrug? It can’t be, because I’m still seeing the deepest colors of purple, blue, and green.
Yellow: I feel ashamed of my rage. My jealous rage that I suck inward until it feels like I’m going to explode. I never take it out on her, not even close. She knows I get upset and she lets me stew. She watches me get fucked up and stumble around the streets. But I never break things and I never tell her what I’m thinking because part of me is convinced that it’s all me. All these bad feelings are in my head. That all the feelings, all the colors, are in a heightened sense right now. But if that means that I’m overreacting about red, could it be I’m overreacting about purple too? I’m nervous that I will wake up one day and this will all be behind me and it will be my fault. My problems will have caused this to end and she will not be around and she will not want to pick up the pieces. She’s too motivated to waste her time on someone like me.
Orange: And when I wake up in her bed, it’s like nothing’s ever changed and we are in a cocoon from the world. Her smile, her one tooth that’s half tinted because it’s part veneer. She’s got me to stop doing coke until after the test, and promises we can have a crazy party in celebration. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but trust me, it's a big deal. I see a future with her and it’s freaking me out. And why shouldn’t it?
Relationships are freaky. Especially at the beginning, when you’re not sure what to call it. But why call it anything when you’re both having fun? And we are having fun. I think we are. It’s been so long and I’m now at a certain age where I’m not sure what having fun is supposed to be anymore. Are we doing it right? If we’re not, who is?