I went on a date this last weekend with a dude who’s really into Pokemon Go. I know this because our date was a series of stops based around the locations of several different Pokemon within the city.
In Junior High, we used to refer to Pokemon as Poke-Your-Mom. It’s a shitty play on words that I never thought I’d get to use again. Until now.
First, we took a stroll through Central Park, where we joined with a group of people that were currently on patrol. I didn’t imagine my date to include hanging out with three high schoolers, but hey, they were nice. I saw parts of the park I’d never been to before, and I finally saw that stupid Balto statue. Now I can confirm to my Aunt Kathy that it really does exist and that the movie isn’t "all a lie."
We ate at a restaurant near Lincoln Square. Before entering, my date caught a Charmander and quickly ducked inside, saying he didn’t want to draw attention to his catch so he could train him more before having to battle someone. Ok, sure. Our waiter was envious of the catch, as she mentioned that she’s not allowed to go outside and catch him until after her shift. Their manager had a strict “no Pokemon” rule and was enforcing with an iron fist.
On the subway platform, he caught a Dratini. Based on his excitement, this was a big deal. I was his protector, as people tried to bump into him and called us both names. At one point, he was walking a little too close to the edge of the platform, so I grabbed onto his shirt and held him back. I got to feel his back, which was sweaty, but muscle-y.
He was a little bummed about the selection around Rockefeller Center, so we sat on some stairs and people watched until security kicked us off.
Eventually, we made our way to the Lower East Side to try out a restaurant we both were excited about. Lucky for him, very close to the restaurant was to an Arcanine, which he collectively lost his shit about. As this celebration occurred, someone walked by, heckling, “Catch them all you fucking nerd!” Seeing that he did not know how to respond, I immediately hit my crotch with both hands karate-chop style and yelled “Well he’s about to catch this snatch, you bitch!” Many people on the sidewalk looked at us, and my date dropped his phone. It didn't break, don’t worry.
The date eventually ended and he was super please about both our day and his success. He did not “catch this snatch,” but got a kiss on the cheek. Would I go on a date with this guy again? No fucking way. But I did see a whole lot of the city and we explored and it really wasn’t a bad day. I just don’t like being second fiddle to a video game, and that’s ok.
I went on Facebook and saw a friend of mine posted something like: “Anyone who is posting or cares about Pokemon Go, please delete me from your friends.”
This is coming from a girl who only posts pictures of her all-American fiancé and their all-American dog. Yes, your dog is beautiful and your fiancé looks like a fuck-toy football player, but come on. You’re just as bad, except you do it in a more obnoxious way.
People who post about Pokemon Go know that it’s all a game, do you?
Do us a favor and have another glass of Pinot Gris, then promptly fuck yourself with your ten-inch dildo. You’re a boring cliché, and I hate you.