I came to submit this piece to this website after seeing an old friend from college post this piece, in which I was referred to. It seems only right that I respond to it, explaining myself and my actions.
My named is Amanda, and I like to think I have a very interesting life. It started the same way as everyone else’s, being pushed out of a vagina, unless you were a c-section baby. From then on, I’ve been alive.
I like to say we all start out the same like that, because you are not an individual until you become more than the slimy fetus. You have to prove your worthiness in the world.
I like to think my life is interesting for two important reasons, and they are closely connected, even though I didn’t see that at first.
I might need to back up a little bit to explain a little more about what makes me “me.” I was once like everyone else, well, most everyone else. I was ungrateful to my surroundings and when I was in high school and college, I did drugs and smoked and swore and even had sex. A lot of sex. These are things I’m not proud of, but it is important to not forget the past, but rather, embrace it.
I went to school for commercial design; so, I like to think I have a creative, artistic side to my person. I keep that in my rainy day pocket.
Did you ever see the arrow in the Fed-Ex logo? That’s what I always tell people when they ask what I went to school for. I graduated and moved into the city and, to embrace my past, I failed at a lot of things. I couldn’t find a job in any com design field, no one wanted to hire me no matter what I did. I did an unpaid internship until they passed the law that said companies couldn’t do that anymore. Instead of paying us or hiring us, they dissolved the internship program completely and told us to be out by the next day.
After a couple of months of seeing nothing happening toward my career, I got a reception job at a dentist’s office and that is where I knew I had to make a change. I needed help. This is where the two events come in.
One: my headaches. They came once or twice in school, but I figured it was because of the cocaine. They started happening again as my job searching was going nowhere and coming up blank and my life was coming to a stand still.
I get these headaches that are a crippling force, a fiery blindness that shoots through my brain and knocks me over.
I say crippling force, because that brings me to the other force in my life that has made me feel like a new person: Christ.
I never went to church after age 12 or so, and now I see the error of my ways. But I’m learning not to see them as errors, but paths and detours that got me to find God in my own, natural way. I needed to feel self assured and know that I was worth it, that I am worth it. To know it’s all been worth it, and to make sense of what can be a really lonely world. But not anymore. With Christ, I am never alone. He is the answer to my problems and my headaches.
My pastor told me that my headaches are a sign from God and that it is up to me to decide what the message means. No doctor can give me the answer that Christ can. Now I thank Him when the headaches come; I embrace the pain like I’m being nailed to a cross.
I take them as signs. Last week, I was eating a street cart falafel and got a headache. It was a sign that I need to eat healthier and keep those toxins out of my body. Now I don’t eat street cart food anymore. Praise Him.
Every morning when I wake up, I post on Facebook a thank you note to Jesus for giving me the day and that we should all shine a little bit more.
Shining? It’s when you open your heart up to the lord and he ignites your fire from within. And with that light, you shine it out for all the world to see and receive.
On Instagram, I’ll take picture of the beautiful city skyline and post a scripture to go with it.
If my life hadn’t been exactly what it was, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
I have to be thankful for that. And thankful for my headaches, they remind me that God is everywhere, and sometimes he’ll knock right on my door and say, “hello, Amanda, remember me?”
I see my friends and I want to show them the light, show them the path, show them how safe and secure I feel about life with him by my side. But it’s hard, you know?
Everyone has to find God in their own way, and on their own time. He saved me from everything. Thank God for my headaches, thank God for my job, thank God for you, whoever you are.