Now that the weather has begun to chill (but tempers are still hot!), I’m changing the way I’m dating going into the winter season.
There’s always the running joke about people getting desperate to find a “winter boyfriend/girlfriend” leading up to the season so they don’t have to go out in the cold in order to get laid. People love to stay in and cuddle and eat cookies and nuzzle and binge watch under the safety of a comforter in the company of another human without ever bringing up family and the holidays and maybe they get each other something simple and nice. At least, that’s what I think people do?
Each winter, my criteria for a Winter Boyfriend is always in regards to the amount of heat he radiates. This typically tends to be a medium to large built guy (although don’t let the skinny’s fool you, not all are cold), beards are ok if they are clean, but not a deal-breaker. With the company of a warm body in my bed, I am able to save money on the heat. Sometimes I turn mine down low enough that they no longer want to stay at my place and then we end up holing at theirs. When they’re not looking I turn up their heat and finally thaw my bones.
This winter, I’m looking for something different.
During the summer, I walked friend’s dogs on the side to make a couple extra bucks, but mainly to meet dudes. The problem with this form of dating was the type of dudes who have dogs in Brooklyn. Honestly, 80% of the guys that talked to me clearly had a dog specifically so they could hit on girls and get away with it. They’re the same tools with terrible pick up lines, but with the added bonus of dog-entitlement. You know, the notion that just because our dogs are sniffing each other’s assholes means that I am obligated to continue a cheerful conversation while you prod me about my life and availability.
I could do a whole piece about the terrible and weird things guys have said to me after being turned down, but what’s the point? If you want that, go read an article on Medium.
This dogs-ploitation cannot stand. That is why, for the winter, if I am going to entertain the company of a fellow dog-walker, they must dress their dog. And I don’t mean the simple dog cover to keep them warm, all dogs should be wearing that in the cold.
I’m talking outfits. Don’t approach unless your dog looks like a Santa’s Little Helper. Put them in the Hot Dog Halloween costume. Make them match your personality. Dress them in Banana Republic, I know you can afford it. Put him in a “Make America Great Again” hat so I know to stay away from you. I need to feel joy again in this world, and putting your dog in snow pants will do that. This country needs more costumed dogs. Do it for the people. Bring hope back, unless your dog’s name is Hope, then don’t come around in the first place.
I need to hold a dog that looks like a package of cinnamon rolls.
And please, let me turn on your heat.